Anger

Is righteous anger really a ‘thing’?

I started this Substack to create a journey. As I mentioned in my first couple of postings. I’ve gotten off track recently (and also haven’t posted in a while). This article is back on that pathway:

I’ve heard many people over the course of my life use the claim of righteous anger. Until one learns nearly flawless patience, he cannot know anger in a righteous sense.

If you want to know if or when your anger is actually righteous anger; Without first developing nearly flawless patience, your anger will likely never be righteous.

Anger is the one negative emotion we try to attach a virtue to; righteous anger. No one ever claims righteous sadness, righteous melancholy or any other absurdity. No. Just anger.

It’s also the the only emotion that even psychologists will allow invalidating. If I make my wife feel sad, I’m to blame in her eyes. I certainly understand and won’t here argue the point. But if she makes me angry; I’m to blame for losing my temper. If I make her angry, she’s perfectly justified because of my bad actions or words. I can’t invalidate her emotions but she can invalidate my anger, even if it came about by her pushing buttons we’ve discussed many times. It is the emotions that is never acceptable to anyone but the user.

It’s truly a difficult thing isn’t it? What you thought was an acceptable level - your spouse thought was too far. Or vice versa. Everyone’s line is different for themselves and different again for another. We allow more from this person than from that person. There really isn’t a standard at all.

Anger will happen. It’s not inherently sinful. Jesus said “be angry and do not sin”, which would suggest one can be angry at proper times and in proper ways. There is a time and place for it as well as a way that is not sinful. It is perhaps similar to alcohol.

The portrayal of the Hulk in Marvel’s Avengers Age of Ultron is, in my experience, very accurate. The rage, the fury, the complete lack of control followed by the coming down, regret and realizing the things said and done. It is a difficult thing (once it’s over) to reflect on or admit that was actually you. Like those times you drank to much and awoke the next day to the memories of what you said and did flooding back to you. You want to hide, pretend it didn’t happen. You hope everyone else had so much to drink  that they forgot what happened. Just like when you got to angry.

Proverbs says “be slow to anger, quick to listen, slow to speak”. This seems to suggest that anger will come, it would even be illogical to avoid in certain circumstances. It is an emotion. (The only emotion society seems to have no problem invalidating). But of all the emotions we can experience, anger has the most potential for harm.

Of all the emotions on the spectrum anger is the one we’re most often “blamed” for. And, for us guys, it is the easiest one to turn to. I call it the “cheap emotion”. (Ironically so, for it usually comes with quite a price). I call it that because there are so many emotions to choose from and yet for some of us, it’s the one we go with 90% of the time. Anger feels like strength where others, like sadness and tears, feel like weakness. We turn to anger to be viewed as strong but ultimately we are rarely viewed that way. Hence the reason I call it cheap. We’re instead most often viewed as out of control, unstable and untrustworthy. And usually, we don’t even know it.

Anger can take a lot of energy to keep up. When we experience a high level of anger for hours on end it causes such fatigue that we crash down into equally intense sadness, even depression. This turns into a roller coaster if unchecked. Some of us even look (or become) bipolar. Extreme highs. Extreme lows. C S Lewis writes “untrained emotion dissolves intellect.” This is equally true of sadness. But your emotional responses CAN (and should) be well trained.

We would probably do much better in front of our wives to let (at least) them, if no one else, see our actual weakness - which we DO have. It is a high for sure. We have to come down from it when it grows to big. Calming down can be quite a chore and take a good deal of time.

Anger is something that must be used with great care. As proverbs says; before going there, we MUST listen well, ask clarifying questions, get all the information and be sure nothing was misunderstood. It should be allowed in the last place, AFTER you’ve come to full understanding that in fact this is a proper reason for feeling angry; that the occasion calls for it. But that anger, even in that moment, must be carefully used. There should be as Christ said no sin. For me this means no name calling, no false accusations, no wild assertions. It must remain in the place of the calm speech; where it is saying true things. Like many things it is all about HOW you use it.

I have found in my own experience (though I’m certainly not the wisest on this matter) that in 99 out of a hundred justifiable moments, it is still better to remain silent, to step away and get calm before addressing the issue. Anger will rarely be seen as appropriate by a spouse, sibling, parent or close friend. Typically anger is only justified by the person using it and for that reason it is always better to refrain.

Personally, due to my excessive anger issues in the past, I determined many years ago that if I can’t get my point across in a reasonable tone at a reasonable volume then I will just not get my point across this time. I’ll just have to try again the next time it comes up; end an argument with no resolution. I would rather my wife understand what I’m trying to say because we have to keep talking about it over and over, than to try to forcibly (through my anger) shrink her back into going along with my thought process. But let’s be fully honest here, using tears to get your way is equally manipulative. Equally bullying. Treat your spouse (and their opinion or statements) as more important than yourself always and see if you still behave in the same ways.

Lastly, anger prevents forgiveness. No one will forgive while angry. Or as long as they can still feel the burning that caused the anger. The infamous Lord’s Prayer says “forgive us or sins as we have forgiven those who sin against us”. One of the few caveats in our faith is that we may receive forgiveness only if we give it. And as long as we remain angry we will never reach a point of forgiveness. Righteous anger will likely only be anger that has nothing to do with yourself. Seeing an injustice against someone else, that will be much closer to righteous than an injustice toward yourself. This is where turn the other cheek (not anger) comes in to play.

Patience is a virtue. And it is contrary to anger. You must choose patience or you will likely always suffer anger.